We're Only Young Once...Live It Up

8:29pm: posting no more.
k. im done with livejournal haha. no one comments. so i have no way of knowing anyone even reads it. and so if you wanna know whats going on in my life you can ask. cause im not posting anymore. its mostly a waste of time except for the comments from megan. which i enjoy thoroughly. but i think ill end up telling her everything in history anyways. so it should be ok. so goodbye!

8:06pm: tianas house is my home. john doughs is my home away from home.
so its official.

i work at john doughs. couldnt be more exciting. i even worked for free on saturday because i couldnt wait to get started. even though i left like every 10 minutes and took like a 30 minute break but i mean tiana was bored i felt bad. BUT. i also mentioned i could work weekends. so now ill be working saturday nights too. until summer. but my first official day is the 14th. cause just so all you woodinvillites know ill be home next weekend. its a first. take advantage of it. but im a little sad. my first day of work is tianas birthday. so i wont be able to hang out till probably 10. and i have to pick her up from the airport at 2 and make it back for work by 4. i think itll work out. it sucks though. saturday is like zacks day off, and ill be working like every time. but the price i pay. cause i cant afford to keep coming to vashon if i dont have a job SOMEWHERE. even though now i technically have two. but whatever. one doesnt count. i hate it and i dont ever work there anyways. so is it a bad thing when i get as excited as i do to work?

8:35pm: the last laugh
you may not take me seriously now
but when im gone ill be the one laughing
and youll be sitting there all alone.
wondering how the hell this all happened.

10:34pm: i love you as much as i love getting my ass kicked.
so im trying to memorize my speech for english. not going so well. BUT OH WELL. life goes on. lunch was fun today, ate outside with tarah. we chatted. and now tiana is trying to convince me to go to her prom. im thinking thats a big no. haha i just dont think itll work. #1 i dont want to, dont like the dance scene, no one likes my crazy dances. #2 i have no dress. #3 i have no money. #4 i wont have time to prepare next weekend. #5 its in two weeks...so the weekend after next.

OH WELL tiana will convince colette and jordan to go im sure. maybe even tyson and hannah. that could be exciting.

today was a good day. woke up nicely rested. went to school and it wasnt so bad. went to caseys afterwards and hung out in the woods. then went home and slightly did homework but mostly not. and then i worked out for a while. that felt amazingly good. i didnt want to stop. but i know ill feel it tomorrow.

V A S H O N F O R T H E S U M M E R .

come visit me.

oh it was so exciting i ran into megan this morning entering school!! i hadnt seen her in aages...like weeks! so that was rather exciting. and i only got in trouble for being tardy cause the vice principal was sitting in. minor details. oh well im not concerned. and i really want to just like sleep right now cause im spent. but i need to get back to work on that speech. and for some reason i thought she said she wasnt gonna be there tomorrow meaning no speeches...but just in case id like to be mostly ready. because she already hates me. anyways. ill write later eventually.

7:59am: life is wonderful. and yet so slow.
going shopping in seattle today! and so when i was trying to figure out when id leave and come back somehow my mom was like i dont even care if you spend the whole weekend there but... and im like WHAT THE WHOLE WEEKEND ALRIGHT SEE YA SUNDAY MOM! haha i giggled. but either way yeah. guess im staying there tonight. makes things a bit easier. but there is an inner conflict not really though. but it makes me sad. zack is going to a party tonight of some sort not just the usual party. like late ish. and he was gonna stall and show up once i left island. but uh. im not leaving so i know hes gonna be all like mmm but i wanna stay here and hang out with you and ill be like mmm no you have to go to the party! have fun ill talk to you tomorrow probably and he'll be like mm no. or he'll be like mm damnit i really do have to go. but either way ill be somewhat sad. i dont want him skipping the party for sure. but i want to see him. oh well i guess id rather he go to the party cause i feel bad everytime his friends dont get to hang out with him cause im on island. but either way im totally looking forward to today. so i suppose i should probably begin getting ready cause i have to leave in an hour so i can meet up with tiana colette and carly once they get off the ferrioso. hmm alright then! adios my friends give me a call on my CELLULAR DEVIICE! especially you megan i want to seee how youre doing!

4:00pm: so im pretty damn stoked cause
vashon for the summer it is.

7:12pm: i might have a job at john doughs. ive never been so excited like ever. i think it would be hecka fun. despite everyone trying to convince me ill hate it. but if i do hate it, ill find a different job, or suck it up if i cant find one. its a learning experience. assuming my mom lets me do it that is. and assuming it really does work out. i hope it does

12:26pm: im being torn in two. well three.

one. i can stay in woodinville (the most likely option). so id stay in woodinville for the rest of my high school education and the summer. go to vashon on random weeekends. basically nothing changes.

two. i can move in with tiana for the summer and get a job on vashon and spend my summer there and work and pay her parents rent. and probably have the best summer of my life. and go back to woodinville when school starts and attempt to start over and make new friends here again.

three. move to vashon for the next year. stay at tianas. pay rent, go to school there.


help me? i dont know what to do.

9:29am: wow. a weeek straight basically with zack. and nothing short of a week straight with tiana. soo much fun it was AMAZING. waking him up in the morning was prime. the expression on his face is nothing short of priceless. trips to the beaches were beautiful. i could spend days on the bluffs. just staring at the view.

he kisses my hand
my cheek
my forehead.

i mean i have never met a cuter guy ever. plus he has a tattoo which is pretty damn hot. but really

i feel bad for telling megan about him constantly. i know its gotta be annoying, and maybe even sound like im rubbing it in. but thats not what i mean to do. i just cant get him off my mind for more than 5 minutes.

he invites me everywhere, if tiana and i decide not to go with him, he changes his plans and stays with us. despite our trying to get him to go and have fun.

"the best part is talking to you on the phone right now."

he never lets me be cold, hes like a personal space heater. he picks me up, and carries me around, in the form of the classic groom carrying the bride into the hotel suite on their wedding night. or with my legs wrapped around his waist and arms around his neck. we talk on the phone for no less than an hour a day, unless we spent the entire day together and only seperate when we go to sleep. he respects my wishes, and tries so hard not to do the things he knows i dont like when im around. hes already gotten on both my parents good side. hard to do. extremely easy to make my mom happy, but my dad is a tough person for guys to impress. however, he and rob managed. and did it with flying colors. and now, i must go get a license. since ive been driving for like a month without one.

4:46pm: so pretty much the best weekend of my life
so now that ive basically told everyone my story of my weekend. its time to recap.
friday. talked for 2 hours with zack and rob starting at 5:40 because i "went" to breakfast with them. basically speakerphone. and everyone made fun of me there apparently. but whatever i enjoyed it.
so school was uneventful, but moderately decent. so then i went home. watched a hawthorne heights music video, then watched napoleon dynamite to kill some time. then killed some more time and went to megans. i was there a good 15 minutes before she actually noticed. QUITE intense. then a bit later we went picked up kara and headed for the show. by the time we got there though, i kinda needed to be leaving for vashon. so, i dropped them off, and then headed out. got on the 7:35 ferry. pulling into the dock seemed to take forever. I FOUND MY WAY TO THRIFTWAY! it was fun. i was so insanely hyper and excited i dont even know why. then we bought drinks and went to chevron. dont remember why. but we met up with zack rob and jordan there. so after a bit of hanging out and me n colette making zack dance, we left. i think we went to tianas. hung out, established my office = my car. then. i had to take colin and zack on an exciting run to some random dudes house. yeah. hes 46. and creepy. but he n zack sure hit it off. hahahahaha poor zack. but exciting nonetheless. then after a good while being there we went to elias's. that was fun. they made cookies. i watched. then i had to go home. i drove zack and rob to zacks car. they decided to wait with me for my ferry. i was hecka sad to go home. then. zack called at like 12:40 while i was still on the ferry, asking for directions to my house, because he planned a surprise visit but realized he had no clue how to get to the village. so i told him how, and told him when i was busy. drove home. got home close to 2. mother wasnt nearly as angry as id expected. making me pretty damn happy.
work at 9:30. got home. a minute later zack calls. he n rob are basically outside of my house. all of a sudden i hear my mother say. JILL YOUVE GOT COMPANY! hecka exciting. but hadnt taken a shower yet or worked on history. so they went for a walk and i took a shower. then collin shows up. what the hell does he not know how to use a phone?! tarah was busy so the project was a bust. megan hung out with us though. we went to the love sac and chilled. officially 100% comfortable. then we got coffee (zack and rob actually) and killed time. then we drove a bit. and then we had to take megan home. which was a bummer. then we tried going to west seattle. tried being the keyword. the car broke down. apparently we had a lack of oil. to the extreme. a bit of hitchhiking and lots of walking in the rain later, the car was running again. so we continued our voyage. which went smoothly. then hung out at leons. SO RANDOM. hecka fun though. a bit of me sliding and falling around and eveyrone laughing thinking i was hecka drunk...even though it was just slippery and zack was tickling me. but whatever. i was quite entertained haha. i laughed harder than they did. then. 11:30 rolled around. i felt HECCKAAA bad. zack had to drive me home. not only would it be a massive drive. but it was still early, and he was having lots of fun. i think. but not much i could do about it. he needed his dog back. so we drove back and he was scared that my mother would hate him so he stayed at the door. i got his dog for him, and realized my mom was nowhere to be seen. so he came inside for a minute. we said our goodbyes. and he departed on his trip back.
so my mom comes downstairs right after he leaves and goes.
you smell really smokey. i was like well. we went bowling. there were a lot of people smoking there. she was skeptical but had no real reason to doubt me. she said i was acting weird. i dont know why. i thought i was acting quite normal. so a few stories later i went to bed.
wake up. its about 9. laid in bed planning on getting up at 9:30. so that i could call everyone at 10. 15 minutes later, my mom yells,
JILL! someones here!
its collin. officially. i was like what. the. heck. so after not getting a hold of anyone he went home. then just kinda hung out for a bit. and tarah showed up. so we went to megans. and it was fun INDEED. randomness. and then i came home. and hung out. and was bored. and here i am.

but i love my life. with a fuckin passion. did i screw up last night? i think i mightve.

4:16pm: you better swallow your pride or youre gonna choke on it
" W E C A N G O H A N G O U T I N A D A R K C L O S E T . . . "

7:52pm: youve been searching for that someone and its me out on the prowl
wow. so the weekend = beyond amazing. there are not even like any words to describe it. yeah there were some downs to it too but most of them seemed to work themselves out and be ok in the end. but seriously. P E R F E C T I O N. i had so much fun like it beat my expectations by far. the part i loved best was possibly when me n tiana were the easter bunnies. or when we watched saw. or scary movie. the play. or somehow in its own ironic way, the last 30 minutes or so that i spent with another human being on the island. all i know is, im pretty much as happy as i can be right now. the only thing that would be better is if my braces were off. but that will come soon enough i suppose.

S P R I N G B R E A K ' 0 5 :

H E C K Y E S !

3:02pm: come together like a foot in a shoe
yeah so pretty much the best fuckin day of my life. not really. but HECKA close. im in like. im SO stoked for the weekend. i sure hope it doesnt disappoint me. but i highly doubt it will. my daddios birthday is tomorrow. exciting stufff...

im starting a vashon book. basically a journal of my experiences on vashon. AKA. an excuse to be a crazy psycho stalker and take pictures of everyone without them gettting too weirded out. im hecka excited.

AHHH but seriously today cant get any fuckin better! i hecka love my life...

8:04pm: a slow progression
i cant stop thinking about you. youre everywhere i look.
thoughts of your beautiful smile devour my mind.
i close my eyes and youre all i see.
i try desperately to think of anything else,
but before long
you return.
the crazy looks we gave eachother bring a smile to my face
remembering your innocence
youre like no one ive ever met before
bringing new meaning to one of a kind.
we laugh
and i dont even know what we're laughing at.
i long for my next chance to see you
im desperate for your approval
i would give anything to be with you again
youre everything i dream of,
all combined into one.
i couldnt ask for more
youre perfection despite your flaws.
they only make you greater.
i watch the seconds go by
waiting
hoping i will see you again.

6:54pm: a gunshot rings out at the station
so me tarah kara and megan are officially the coolest people ever. we hung out today. and we definitely played BUMPER CARS!! yeah TOO BAD THEY WERE ACTUALLY OUR CARS. im frightened of tarahs driving haha. i guess i deserved it after making her run so many yellow/red lights. haha. and damnit why didnt scotty let us in his house?! i was really excited. but at least now we know the code to the gate. how creepy. QUE ES EL NUMERO?! lords of death rocks. but even cooler: watching megan kara and tarah all hang on to the back of my car for their lives.

so as you may have guessed, today was amazing. a fun packed day indeed! i cant wait till i get riding in vans with boys. im gonna watch it over and over.

if tiana and crew come over on friday i will be soo stoked! it will be the highlight of my life. except not quite but still pretty damn cool.

arent you jealous?

12:51pm: because we're outlawed yeah
yeah so yesterday, by the time i had gone to bed, i had been up for 40 hours or so. an oddly, i wasnt tired. but whatever. i just have to get over the hump where like im tired but dont want to get but at the same time dont understand anything and cant grasp anything. yeah. but that part is the most fun of it all.

i am so ready for may/june. if things work out that is.

11:40pm: sieg heil
k. so life is pretty good. i went shopping and it made my life so much better. no joke, but just because i met some cool new people.

i have to work tomorrow morning and that blows. but im going to vashon for a little while so that will be nice and hopefully i will get to meet the legendary rob. i really hope so. tiana and i had an amazing conversation on the phone during my 2.5 hour walk about how slutty i am. it made me laugh harder than ive laughed in a while. but not really because me n taylor laughed haardcore on monday and wednesday. but same difference.

went to drop off maddys bday present at 8. casey showed up soon after. he said hey i said hey. 2.5 hours later (whats with the 2.5 hours? coincidence, i think not.) he actually spoke another word to me. i was about to leave. and out of nowhere he gets out of his car. random. but we talked a bit. then sat in my car listening to 80s music and talked. kind of. a lot of sitting. then his brother, his sister in law, he, and i hotboxed his brothers van. (except i didnt smoke i just was the rotater (i passed around the pipe and lighter)) it was pretty fun actually. then casey lost his keys. after 10 minutes he realized he left them in my car. smarrrrt. then i went home.

and here i am. but its been an okay week. ive been happy which is great. so much better than the previous two weeks. but ive been hecka tired. speaking of which. i am so dead right now im going to bed because WORK SUCKS. haha just kidding i like to work.

and in case anyone still reads this and wonders what happened to justin. i still love him. ive just filtered out the justin i love you comments, i assume they get pretty annoying and repetitive after a while.

oh and a random note: i hecka want some plaid pants. anyone know where to find some? red light didnt have any for the record.

11:34pm: take me away to paradise...
so long and goodnight.

so yeah. talked to your mom twice. your sister twice. your brother once. you: 0. odd? i thought so.

so you know you have a problem when:
youre in a strange house.
cleaning plastic plates and cups
randomly cleaning off the stove because youve run out of things to clean
you organize a room with toys almost covering the entire floor
listening to a song on repeat
about how youll be on your own someday
when you figure out how to start your life
and you dont care if you fail
because then you can sit in your room knowing
you didnt make it
but you tried.
then.
you look at the clock and realize
this all happened in the course of half an hour.

potential awkwardness? yes.

to make it even worse.
im hungry. im such a beast. but oh well

made a new discovery today. i dont hate vegetables. what an odd concept. hmm.

yeah i think you should listen to cemetary drive by my chemical shorthand.

yeah. so they let me go home early tonight. about two hours early. and you realize, you have no friends, when you have nothing to do but go home. when you could be living it up and enjoying the free time in the middle of the night. but no. you go home and prepare to sleep. it never used to be like this. then again i guess things have changed. well yeah they obviously have. but theyll change again. and again. and again. life is constantly changing.


dont mind me im just being emo lately. just a lot on my mind. not really though. a little on my mind. but it wont ever go away. yeah sitting at their house today it was really depressing just like in silence going hmm i agreed to do this cause id be busy and wouldnt have time to think about it. but here i am. hecka screwed.

im gonna go eat

8:26pm: I'm A Loner In A Catastrophic Mind
well i wont stop dyin
wont stop crying
if you want ill keep on cryin
did you get what you deserve
IS THIS WHAT YOU ALWAYS WANT ME FOR
i miss you
i miss you so far

i dont know what to do. certain events, should i go? will you even be there? will it be more awkward if youre there, or if youre not? i feel somewhat obligated to go. but at the same time im too scared to.

i want to give up on you, but something inside me wont let me. so here i am. left alone. sitting by the phone. to listen to the silence. and the hopeless dial tone. i get halfway through your number before slamming the phone back down. knowing i wouldve frozen when i heard your voice. then again i would give anything just to hear you say my name once more.

the crushing part of it all: its been at least a week since youve even thought of me. and that was for what, 10 minutes? i know i shouldnt care. i know i should get on with my life. but im being held back. but by what? this makes me want to go to college in cali even more. i have to get away. i cant do this much longer. even though i have another year n a half. somethings gotta change. that something is probably me. too bad i dont know if i can. this is who i am.

but if i could just get you off my mind. life would be okay. and i like how i resort to saying this in here. because theres no one to talk to about it. an example of how pathetic my life is. and how much i hate it.

i probably shouldnt say that. i dont hate my life. i love my friends. some more than others. i have a job. a car. i have hobbies that i find highly entertaining. but i want out. someone. anyone. lets go.

2:43pm: and im hitchin a ride
i think someone broke into my car last night? it was extremely weird. my passenger door wasnt quite closed this morning and i know it was the night before. also...REALLY WEIRD: my jacket and purse were on the ground. dont know what that was about. my cds are still there though. but i cant find my wallet anywhere. containing two debit cards. this isnt good at all. but who the hell would come to our driveway at the end of a street and start digging through my car. it makes no sense, cause well why not go to houses more on the street. and why the shitty honda accord, why not the jeep? either way me n my dad are really confused. what the hell couldve happened? AND WHERE IS MY FUCKING WALLET. it was my favorite and i really dont like making wallets anymore. so boring. so annoying and time consuming. i dont want to make another but i might have to. or should i just give up on the duct tapedness?


but i dont seroiusly think someone broke in cause thats just too weird and stupid. and lots of bad luck on my side. either way, we'll be locking the doors at night.

12:37pm: my mind is set on overdrive
what do i do? i feel lost. i need someone to talk to that knows my life. someone who doesnt pretend to listen, someone who actually does.

anyways. im pretty stoked. i drove home from work, and guess what. THE STOP SIGN IS DOWN. I REPEAT....THE STOP SIGN IS DOWN. the one thats across from my street. yeah so i told my parents and they say its time for a midnight adventure. HECK YES. i love my life. ish.

its a beautiful day outside. im super excited about that. meaning. i wont be sitting in here much longer. and its a wonderful day to hang out. give me a call if you know whats good for you. DAHH LONGBOARDING.. damn its a perfect day for it!!!

p.s. my hands smell like bleach

1:44pm: it all keeps adding up i think im cracking up
im starting to see people for who they really are. the first time in my life. and i dont like it.

ive lost my second home. because the people there arent family and friends like i had thought. and actually you cant lose something you never had. so i didnt lose it i just realized that it doesnt exist.

dont get me wrong. i dont hate the world. i was just blinded and some people i called friends ive realized couldnt possibly be friends, because what kind of friend does that?

random note: my neck hurts...i think from the show, which was great by the way, but nothing will ever top the devirginizing event known as the from first to last show.

DONT BE SHEEP. BE A GOAT.

just thought id throw that out there.

im a little bummed i had some plans for this week that dont seem to be happening. oh well some things just dont work out. life goes on.

one word: shortlived.

i just wish you knew.

what happens next?


shit happens life goes on

2:30pm: for lack of a better word and thats my best excuse
yeah today sucks. i had some good plans of hanging out and wonderful things like that, and i had to go and get SICK. damn. so as i was going to bed last night i was like hmm i dont feel so good but im sure itll go away and ill just take some motrin tomorrow morning. YEAH NOT QUITE. so i wake up at 4 IN THE FUCKING MORNING. feelin pretty nauseous. now ive had some bad experience in this area so i decided not to relive it and just go downstairs and sit on the bathroom floor for a while, thinking id end up puking, but then id be fine afterwards. i usually am. oh my god i was exhausted and ended up laying on the floor trying to fall asleep. then i realized things could be awkward if my sister or dad found me, and theyd think i was like dead or something. so i sat up. tried to fall asleep on the couch. didnt work. so TWO FUCKING HOURS LATER i finally started puking. it was nasty as hell. but i was glad to be done with it. so i went and brushed my teeth and washed my face just so i would feel like cleaner. went back to sleep. got up at 8 feeling somewhat naseous still but not as badly as before. decided to call tiana and break the news before it was too late. then i tried to go back to sleep. didnt work. the computer for a short while, then maybe like 20 minutes later i was like oh damn...not again. so yeah i went back downstairs and this time it didnt take so long. brushing my teeth again, i then went and fell asleep on the couch for a few hours. woke up around 11 and called a few people back. then i was sad because it was a beautiful day and i was stuck inside on the couch. after finding that our back deck was extremely warm, i put on some shorts and my bathing suit top and hoped i would tan and be able to fall asleep at the same time. no such luck for either of the two but it was nice nonetheless. still feeling sick and im drinking a smoothie which tastes good. but im doing better than before. hopefully tomorrow ill be ok again. especially since ive got the show coming up on thursday! YESS im stoked. itll be fun. and im FREEZING MY ASS OFF i dunno why im wearing shorts sweats a sweatshirt and sitting insde but still shivering.


on a brighter note, im a man. and i wear man deoderant. i wont deny it. it smells great. am i weird?

oh and i got a new purse i like it but i might be the only one. i need to start putting patches and buttons on it.

I NEED A HAIRCUT and a real one this time.

5:35pm: ...throw me to the dogs...
Well, Taylor and I had a lot of fun hanging out today. She's become so abusive though. Oh well, makes things more interesting. So we went and took my car into Jiffy Lube to get my oil changed. Turns out there are tons of things wrong with my car, running up a very pricey bill. But hey, what can you do about it? I don't want my car dying on my or anything. And I lost my heart, I don't know where it is. Maybe I should clean my room, I'm sure it'll show up sooner or later. Unless Taylor took it that is. Sounds like something she would do. No offense. Haha.

I got my picture today of me and Justin. Ahh..I was staring at it ALL day. No joke. I'm not a nerd, I dunno what you're talkin about. Anyways...I look terrible but of course that is impossible for him so it works. Today LB came up to me in English and was like hey Jill, is that your boyfriend? (talking about the picture, I put it on my notebook...) and I didn't reply. And she was like, aww, cute. I laughed. I didn't say anything so it's her own assumption, not my fault.

So Kara and Sean are OFFICIALLY the cutest couple ever.

I need a purse. I'm sick of carrying my keys and my cell phone and just everything in my pockets. It's downright annoying. My only problem: I don't like most purses.

Oh and I need to get some more band stickers and buttons and posters and such. If you know a good place to find those, let me know.

Also. If anyone has a wallet chain they don't want, be SURE to let me know. I could definitely use it. I seem to have misplaced mine along with almost all of my other priceless treasures. Yeah I know, time for me to get a little more organized, and thats what I'm gonna do right now.

6:46pm: I'm Having Trouble Trying To Sleep
So. Today is Tuesday. Kinda boring. But I rode my bike afterschool for roughly 2 hours. That was fun. Oh SHIT. I have to write an english essay I should probably be writing that instead of this. I'll actually update when I finish.